Divorce Doesn't Have to Be a Battle
A Reflection on Bill Eddy's Splitting and the Future of Family Law
Recently, I finished reading Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.
While the book focuses on high-conflict divorce situations, what struck me most was not just the discussion about difficult personalities—it was the importance of preparation, awareness, and choosing the right professionals before a divorce begins. The book serves as a reminder that how you divorce can be just as important as the decision to divorce itself.
As a divorce coach and mediator, I often meet people who assume that litigation is simply "the way divorce is done." They believe they must hire aggressive attorneys, prepare for battle, and let a judge determine the future of their finances, family relationships, and sometimes even their children.
But what if there was a better way?
The Divorce System Was Built for Conflict
Traditional litigation is designed to resolve disputes. The problem is that divorce is not just a legal dispute.
Divorce involves emotions, finances, parenting, grief, communication, and the restructuring of an entire family system. Yet many couples enter a process that often rewards conflict rather than cooperation.
When people are encouraged to fight for positions rather than work toward solutions, the result is often:
Increased emotional stress
Higher legal costs
Longer timelines
Greater damage to co-parenting relationships
Increased anxiety for children
In high-conflict cases, court intervention may be necessary. There are situations involving abuse, safety concerns, or individuals who simply cannot negotiate productively. Those cases absolutely require additional protections and legal intervention. But they should be the exception—not the standard.
The Warning Signs We Often Miss
One of the most valuable lessons from Splitting is that high-conflict behavior can be difficult to recognize in the beginning. Some individuals present themselves as charming, persuasive, and highly believable while privately creating chaos, blame, and conflict.
Bill Eddy often speaks about "persuasive blamers"—individuals who consistently shift responsibility onto others and escalate disputes rather than solve them.
What many people don't realize is that these dynamics can influence every aspect of the divorce process, including the professionals involved.
Not every attorney approaches divorce the same way.
Some attorneys prioritize settlement, problem-solving, and family preservation whenever possible. Others may lean more heavily into adversarial strategies.
This is why choosing the right team matters.
When interviewing divorce professionals, ask:
Do they support mediation when appropriate?
Do they encourage constructive communication?
Do they understand the emotional side of divorce?
Do they work collaboratively with financial and mental health professionals?
Do they prioritize long-term family outcomes over courtroom victories?
The answers can significantly influence the path your divorce takes.
A Better Model: The Divorce Team Approach
I believe the future of family law should be collaborative and interdisciplinary.
Imagine a divorce process where people are supported by:
A mediator to facilitate productive conversations
A divorce coach to provide clarity and emotional support
A therapist to help process grief and trauma
A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) or trusted financial professional to help evaluate long-term financial decisions
Attorneys who focus on solutions rather than escalating conflict
Each professional serves a unique role.
Together, they help people make informed decisions rather than emotionally driven ones.
This approach does not eliminate conflict, but it helps prevent conflict from becoming the driving force behind every decision.
When Children Are Involved
Perhaps the most compelling reason to avoid unnecessary litigation is the impact on children.
Children generally do not benefit from prolonged parental conflict. They benefit from stability, communication, emotional safety, and parents who can make decisions without using them as messengers, witnesses, or bargaining tools.
Research consistently shows that ongoing parental conflict—not divorce itself—is one of the strongest predictors of negative outcomes for children after separation.
The goal should never be to "win" the divorce.
The goal should be to build the healthiest possible future for everyone involved.
Why This Matters to Me Personally
Reading Splitting was more than educational for me—it was affirming.
It confirmed why I became a divorce coach and, more recently, a certified mediator.
Long before I entered this profession, I experienced divorce myself. Like many people, I walked into the process with very little understanding of my options. I relied heavily on legal guidance because I didn't know what questions to ask, what resources existed, or how to advocate for myself beyond the legal aspects of the divorce.
Looking back, I realize what was missing wasn't legal support—it was the support of a comprehensive team.
I was fortunate to have a financial advisor whom I trusted deeply. His guidance helped me make sound financial decisions during a difficult time, and I credit much of my long-term financial stability to that relationship. More than fifteen years later, I continue to enjoy a secure and fulfilling life, including the ability to travel and spend meaningful time with my children who live in different parts of the world.
What I didn't have, however, was a divorce coach helping me navigate the emotional and practical decisions that accompany divorce. I didn't have a mediator helping us explore productive conversations and options outside of litigation. I didn't fully understand the value of a collaborative team approach, where legal, financial, emotional, and communication support work together to help families move forward in a healthier way.
That experience changed me.
It became one of the reasons I dedicated my second act to helping others navigate divorce differently.
My mission has always been to help change the narrative around divorce. Divorce is painful enough without unnecessary conflict, excessive legal battles, and decisions driven by fear rather than understanding.
Reading Bill Eddy's work reinforced what I have come to believe through both personal experience and professional practice: there is a better way for many families.
Having the opportunity to recently meet Bill Eddy and knowing that he will be joining me on a future episode of my podcast, Second Act: Life After Divorce, feels like a full-circle moment. His work has helped shape important conversations around high-conflict divorce, communication, and healthier outcomes for families.
For me, it is both an honor and a reminder that the work we do as coaches, mediators, therapists, financial professionals, and collaborative attorneys is contributing to something bigger—the future of how people divorce.
A future where education replaces fear.
A future where support replaces isolation.
A future where families are empowered to make informed decisions rather than simply endure a process.
And that is a future worth working toward.
A Call for Change
Family law has evolved significantly over the years, but I believe there is still work to do.
Judges play an important role when families need legal intervention. However, whenever possible, families should be empowered to create their own agreements rather than having life-changing decisions imposed upon them.
No one understands the intricacies of a family's values, finances, traditions, and relationships better than the family itself.
When people are given the right support, information, and guidance, they are often capable of reaching better long-term solutions than a courtroom can provide.
Final Thoughts
One of the greatest takeaways from reading Splitting was not fear—it was awareness.
Awareness of the personalities involved.
Awareness of the professionals you choose.
Awareness that divorce does not have to become a war.
If you are contemplating divorce, in the early planning stages, or already moving through the process, take the time to educate yourself. Ask questions. Build the right team. Understand your options.
Because divorce is not just about ending a marriage.
It's about creating the foundation for the next chapter of your life.
And that chapter deserves to begin with clarity, dignity, and as little unnecessary conflict as possible.
This is strong enough to serve as a blog article, newsletter, LinkedIn article, or even the foundation for a future speaking presentation. It clearly reflects your personal story, your mission, and your belief that divorce can be approached differently—with education, collaboration, and dignity.
